Well, today has not been much fun. I hate overly busy weekends.
Up late, rush rush, too much to do and kids that simply don’t and won’t listen.
They’re so fucking rude. I know they’re kids and everyone will say it’s their age and they all do it but you know what? I don’t give a shit of they all do it. I only parent these two, and sometimes they are such fucking arse holes that I wish I’d never had them.
There, I said it. Yep, worst mum in the world, right here. 🙋♀️
My eldest has Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) and is autistic. And to be honest, that makes him bloody nasty at times.
He doesn’t listen. He certainly doesn’t hear. And he screams at me constantly for repeating myself.
“Put your shoes on.”
“Put your shoes on.”
“Please put your shoes on.”
Then I snap and shout. And then he hears me and he screams at me for shouting. He tells me he hates me. He wishes he lived somewhere else (I’ve offered – he can live with his grandma, who refuses to discipline him. They’ll both be singing a different song once she’s had to get him ready for school once or twice). He hates every day, no one likes him (well, to be honest at times he utterly unlikeable), he doesn’t know why he bothers (yeah, he copies everything I say).
And it’s every day. It’s relentless. And I hate it. I don’t hate him, of course I don’t. It’s not his fault, but fuck me it’s hard to remember that when he’s mouthing off for the 5th time in 20 minutes and I’ve got the three year old copying him and now we’re late, and to be honest I feel like smashing my head through the car window.
Our lives revolve around his wants. Not his needs, because actually, he has very few actual needs – he’s very high functioning. He’s just horrible, which is his ODD. He could start an argument in an empty room and carry it on for a week.
Tonight he had to read 3 pages of his story book. He was adamant he had already read one of the pages. I have no idea whether he had or not but he spent so long arguing with me about it (which I tried very hard to shut down but short of giving in and letting him do what he wanted, I don’t know what else I was supposed to do), and then started slapping me and then he threw the book at me, that I took the book and threw it behind a cupboard and let him watch the fucking Snail and the Whale, and now he is going to go to bed without me saying goodnight – I can’t even sit on the same sofa as him. And I know it’s not his fault, but I am sick of living like this. Every single fucking thing we do is like this. Every time we leave the house, for anything, it’s a huge battle. Every meal time. Every bedtime.
It’s relentless and there is no help and no support and even if there was, no one is going to be here at bedtime to listen to him read.
Fuck me, I am just sick of the arguments. No matter what I say, he doesn’t FUCKING LISTEN.
I don’t know what to do. I might as well not be here.
Jackie's jottings 