I was worried about today, my first day without work to structure the day. My husband took the kids out all afternoon (to his mother’s, I don’t go, long story, typical MIL/DIL difficulties) so I had a good few hours to call my own (bliss!) but I would normally treat myself to a few nice nibbles in that time.

So, I skipped breakfast again because we had quite a lazy morning and I never quite got round to it. We went out to get the boys’ hair cut, and I sorted buying a new bike, and I enjoyed a little walk in the wind and rain…

Rich took the boys off and I had my ever present eggs and toast for lunch, followed by a bowl of ice cream and sprinkles which was most definitely pudding and not a snack!

I then spent the afternoon pottering about, sorting out the great piles of crap lying around the house, playing computer games and listening to the football (let’s not dwell!). I drank about 4 cups of tea and had an early tea, which was a new recipe for creamy tomato pasta, which was chock full of veg and very nice. I will add cut up sausages next time though, I felt it needed sausages.

Late pudding of berries and yogurt and another million (2) cups of tea and that’s day 4 done!

I am knackered this evening, it’s been a busy day with an early start.

I started work at 8am, so I was up and out of the house by 7.40am, which is very early in my world. Didn’t have breakfast this morning because I struggle to eat first thing.

Lunch was pasta, apple and yogurt again (this will become a regular fixture, I eat this for lunch a lot) and tea was egg on toast again (equally, I eat this a lot because I love dipping my bread in the yolk, and also it take less than 5 minutes to make).

We had berries and yogurt for pudding, and 2 cereal bars which again, you could argue were a snack, but were part of my pudding, so not.

I’ve drunk plenty of water and tea again today, no cider 😔 but I took the boys swimming after school and also did 45 minutes of Jumpfit, and have clocked up 16,000 steps and burned 898 calories, which isn’t too bad at all!

I’ve also started my Lent Devotional, to help me remember why I’m doing this (not just to lose weight!) – to reflect upon temptation and sin (not that eating crap should necessarily be considered sin, but if I don’t want the consequences of it (weight gain) then surely it goes that it is not good?) I am not entirely sure myself what I think, so it is good that I am taking this time to think about it.

I hope your Lent is going well. Many blessings.

So, day 2 of no snacking. I am pretty pleased with myself – I turned down a creme egg!

It wasn’t too hard to start with, lots of tea and plenty of water to keep of the cravings, but I did take an early lunch because I was hungry. Pasta, an apple and a yogurt for lunch.

Early tea too, the never better eggs on toast before taking Peter to his swimming lesson.

Was very tempted after that, when Toby asked for a packet of cheese and onion crisps out of the vending machine. Normally he has Magic Stars which don’t tempt me at all, but c&o crisps are my absolute faves and the smell nearly did for me!

I had 2 cereal bars for pudding when I got home which I admit would normally be a snack, but I considered pudding this time because I had them in lieu of the last piece of the cake Toby made, so there!

Had two cans of cider at book group (which was good but nearly an unmitigated disaster when Tobes refused to stay upstairs and proceeded to practice for the Lunatic Olympics around the room) which wasn’t great but would have been worse on top of crisps and cake, so all in all I’m calling today a success.

So I have decided to give up snacking for Lent. Not any particular snack food, but just snacking general. So, if my dessert after a meal is cake, then I can have piece, but I can’t have a piece of cake with my cuppa at 11am. See?

Today is Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent. Lent is the 40 days Jesus fasted in the desert and was tempted by the devil. The devil showed him three things that supposedly all men desire – women, money and power. Jesus turned them all down. But Jesus is the son of God. I am not! I expect turning down yummy snacks is going to pretty tough.

Today started reasonably well, I eschewed the left over pancake mix for breakfast and had eggs instead, but when I got to work my resolve was tested by it being Sharon’s birthday and there being a vast array of cakes in the break room! However, I avoided it for a bit and by my 11am tea fix, they were gone. Gannets, my office, honestly.

I have Rebounce tonight, which is a fitness class on mini trampolines. It’s epic fun, I love it, but it’s not for another hour and I am quite peckish now! Lunch was a few hours ago! However, full of my new determination and zest I am going to ignore the pangs and have a coffee to keep me going through the class and then I shall have egg on toast for tea after nipping to Tesco to get some new pants as I managed to rip mine today (don’t ask!).

Good luck to anyone else out there doing Lent! May God bless all your endeavours. 😊

by Louise Walters

This kind of book is not my usual thing (hence the shelf tag). I don’t tend to enjoy psychological stuff (except maybe exciting murder mysteries) but I’m not keen on looking deeply into people’s lives and working out why they tick. Not in real life set ups anyway. Chuck in a few dragons and I’m away…

Anyway, I bought this for my mum for Christmas as I follow the author/publisher on Twitter and she was struggling to pay a bill, so every little helps as they say. My mum loved it! Loved it. She raved about it, and I was intrigued.

It takes place both in the past and the present. The past story starts in the 1950s and carries on up to the late 60s. It starts with Lucia and her family, she is the only girl in a family of 5 children. She loves her big brother Edward, who is ten years older than her, and very cool. Robert and Ambrose are bit players, just side characters. William the youngest, born when Lucia is 6, is kind of important but also barely appears. I’ll explain, if I can…

The present part of the story is told by Tina, who is 46 year old woman, who is a little bit away with the fairies. When she was eight, her twin sister died and Tina has spent the last 38 years blaming herself for the death – she had put herself and her sister in danger and the sister died. Her husband, Keaton, is madly in love with her but is starting to get to a point where he needs her to get over the death of her sister. Tina still sees Meg, her sister. She can talk to her, hear her answers. Meg tells her to do things that Tina isn’t happy about, but she does anyway.

As the two stories go forward, we learn about Lucia back in the 50s and 60s and what happened to her and why she became the adult she became. Her story becomes intwined with Meg and Tina’s, as William, the younger brother, is their father. But when Meg dies, the girls’ mother takes off and abandons the daughter left behind. William does his best but is clueless and turns to drink. Tina, aged 8 and having lost her sister (although she doesn’t think she has as Meg is still there, just no one else can see her) moves in with her granny and Aunt Lucia and Uncle Edward.

The years between Tina being about ten, and 46 are kind of missed out, but I don’t think they are very important.

At 46, she meets a lady called Kath who helps her to come to terms with the death of her sister, and Tina comes to understand that she was 8 years old and it really wasn’t her fault, and it was Lucia’s words on the day “Tina! What have you done!” that made Tina believe for so long that she was to blame.

This was an intriguing book and, as I say, not my usual cup of tea, but I enjoyed it and it kept me up until 1am so it can’t have been bad! I don’t know that I particularly liked any of the characters, even Tina, the protagonist, was hard to like due to the way she allowed her dead sister to manipulate her, and she hurt people who loved her because of it. But it is a mental illness, perhaps, so she can’t really be blamed.

People are complicated beasts, and I do feel that the world would be a better place without them. What a mess we leave behind. Meg was not nice to her sister, but she was badly treated by the adults around her. I think if we just all practised kindness towards others, maybe we would have less damaged people. But what do I know?

4 stars.

Well, today has not been much fun. I hate overly busy weekends.

Up late, rush rush, too much to do and kids that simply don’t and won’t listen.

They’re so fucking rude. I know they’re kids and everyone will say it’s their age and they all do it but you know what? I don’t give a shit of they all do it. I only parent these two, and sometimes they are such fucking arse holes that I wish I’d never had them.

There, I said it. Yep, worst mum in the world, right here. 🙋‍♀️

My eldest has Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD) and is autistic. And to be honest, that makes him bloody nasty at times.

He doesn’t listen. He certainly doesn’t hear. And he screams at me constantly for repeating myself.

“Put your shoes on.”

“Put your shoes on.”

“Please put your shoes on.”

Then I snap and shout. And then he hears me and he screams at me for shouting. He tells me he hates me. He wishes he lived somewhere else (I’ve offered – he can live with his grandma, who refuses to discipline him. They’ll both be singing a different song once she’s had to get him ready for school once or twice). He hates every day, no one likes him (well, to be honest at times he utterly unlikeable), he doesn’t know why he bothers (yeah, he copies everything I say).

And it’s every day. It’s relentless. And I hate it. I don’t hate him, of course I don’t. It’s not his fault, but fuck me it’s hard to remember that when he’s mouthing off for the 5th time in 20 minutes and I’ve got the three year old copying him and now we’re late, and to be honest I feel like smashing my head through the car window.

Our lives revolve around his wants. Not his needs, because actually, he has very few actual needs – he’s very high functioning. He’s just horrible, which is his ODD. He could start an argument in an empty room and carry it on for a week.

Tonight he had to read 3 pages of his story book. He was adamant he had already read one of the pages. I have no idea whether he had or not but he spent so long arguing with me about it (which I tried very hard to shut down but short of giving in and letting him do what he wanted, I don’t know what else I was supposed to do), and then started slapping me and then he threw the book at me, that I took the book and threw it behind a cupboard and let him watch the fucking Snail and the Whale, and now he is going to go to bed without me saying goodnight – I can’t even sit on the same sofa as him. And I know it’s not his fault, but I am sick of living like this. Every single fucking thing we do is like this. Every time we leave the house, for anything, it’s a huge battle. Every meal time. Every bedtime.

It’s relentless and there is no help and no support and even if there was, no one is going to be here at bedtime to listen to him read.

Fuck me, I am just sick of the arguments. No matter what I say, he doesn’t FUCKING LISTEN.

I don’t know what to do. I might as well not be here.

Here we go again.

The 7 year old went to bed late. Not sure what time he finally went to sleep.ut it was closer too 11pm than anything else.

So he’s knackered this morning. And when he’s knackered he’s vile. Well , he’s vile a lot of the time but particularly when he’s tired. He has been up for about 30 minutes. He has informed us all that he hates us, he has screamed and thrown things. He has ignored clear, straight forward instructions such as put your trousers on and get off the sofa. He has screamed at me repeatedly and then taken to breathing in his 3 year old brother’s face, which resulted in said brother hitting him, so the 7 year old then becomes the victim.

It is exhausting, and it’s non-stop.

We have threatened him with loss of Mario Kart, which resulted in him screaming obscenities at us, which lost him Mario, which resulted in abuse… It’s a vicious circle and I’m not sure it achieves anything. I am trying to remember love bombing, to always tell him how sorry I am that he is feeling the way he does, that I’m sorry he is so angry, but to be honest, sometimes I just want to shout because he is so horrible. I know he can’t help it, I know it’s the ODD and the ASD but urg, I’m sick of it. I’m sick of everything being such a battle and a constant argument.

Ah well, off we go…

I have started this blog, which I am under no illusions that no one else will read, to enable me to waffle through my thoughts and feelings, without actually endangering myself by putting anything on social media.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton